I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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