Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize