You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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