My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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