Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
COCAINE IS GR8
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
