she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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