you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
the day after is always just damage control
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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