I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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