What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Randomize
