If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
