just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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