you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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