oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
