Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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