My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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