i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
