This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
