you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
