my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
