Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Shame is for Republicans.
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