does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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