I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
