I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize