Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Found the puke drawer
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
