I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
