I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
