I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
