I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
