Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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