you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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