My sheets look like a crime scene.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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