Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
