I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
