ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
