Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
