Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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