I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
