I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
