We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
