I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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