Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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