"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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