i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Randomize
