so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
