I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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