I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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