True but thats because hes a fetus.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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