How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize