6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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