I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
