I haven't been this sober since birth.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i think i scared a bird with my dick
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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