My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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