Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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