a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
