i just wanna soil my oats bro
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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