i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
