Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
