my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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