if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize