You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
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