Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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