i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I AM VODKA MAN
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
