good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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