I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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